I do not really have a rule of thumb when it comes to all things advice related because every situation is different. I would suggest to always assess the situation before you start spouting wisdom and advice. Just because a person is telling you about their problems with their children does not mean that they want your advice about it. Sometimes they just need a good listener, someone to vent to in confidence or a shoulder to cry on. If they are telling me about a situation that I know nothing about or have no specific stance on I will generally just listen and stay positive throughout the conversation. However, if this is a topic that I know a lot about and I am dying to give my two cents, I will always ask permission before I weigh in on it. Sometimes, I get that whole Whoopi Goldberg, "YOU IN DANGER, GIRL!" vibe like I need to warn the parent about their situation or how to fix it but it is not always my place to say anything. Unless it is literally a life and death situation with their child, I probably would not say anything at all. I would never want to overstep my boundaries. I try to wait for a parent to come to me before I give any advice. In some situations it is best just to let the parents figure things out on their own and make their own decisions under a physicians care.
I have a few examples for you that I have experienced: I have had a friend come to me about vaccinating their children and if I think it is safe. In all honesty, I don't know if it truly safe or not to vaccinate your child. I've read statistics on the subject, I've heard horror stories about it and I've heard great stories about it. I know that Kaia has had all of her vaccinations and they did not affect her health negatively at all. I told my friend this and let her know that the decision to vaccinate is ultimately up to her and her child's physician. I am not a doctor so it is not my call.
Once a friend asked me about applying for disability for their child. This is a situation that I know a lot about since Kaia has been on disability in the past. So, I gave them advice on how to navigate the system, how to apply and so on. Since this was not a medical question I felt comfortable giving the advice.
Medical advice is always tricky because if you have no medical background then you are not really qualified to give the advice. I can tell someone what steps we took to find the right doctor for Kaia for her heart condition, the medications that have worked or not worked for her neurological problems and her therapies but I would never say you must do this or must do that! Also, if you give medical advice and the parent goes with it, it could have disastrous results. Your friend could hold you responsible, friendships could be ruined and you do not want to experience that kind of guilt or loss.
When it comes to accepting advice I always try to stay neutral and level headed but it isn't always easy. I have been known to lose my temper when someone tells me what do when they have no clue about Kaia's situation. I can't tell you how many times I have sat through listening to someone give me unwanted advice and my eyes are rolling so far back in my head they are about to pop out of my skull! It is an involuntary eye roll and I have to turn away from them quickly so I don't start an argument. If an argument is what you want then by all means, go for it! If the person giving you advice does this constantly and you are sick of it maybe they do need to be put in their place. Otherwise, they will not know how you feel and you will constantly have to listen to their irritating advice forever.
I remember one time in particular when I had to put someone in their place. Ryan and I had taken Kaia to a hospital that shall remain nameless to get a routine check-up. Nothing big, just x-rays and such. We were in the exam room and this hospital employee I had never met before comes in and takes a seat in front of us like she had bad news or something. So serious. She takes her seat and begins to inform us that she is a social worker with the hospital. She proceeds to tell Ryan and I that Kaia is a retard and she will be living with us for the rest of her life and she doesn't think we are prepared for that. Ryan glanced at me and gave me this look like he knew stuff was about to hit the fan. Instead of saying something back to her Ryan just sat back in his chair and relaxed. He had this smile on his face that said, "Ooooooh, this is gonna be GOOD!" If you have read my previous blogs you know that I have zero tolerance for the "R" word. How could someone in this social worker's profession think it is acceptable to call a child a retard to her parents face and why could she think that we were not prepared for Kaia's future? This witch didn't know me from Adam and frankly, I was deeply insulted by her comments. I reminded her that she is only a social worker and she was not qualified to insinuate that my daughter was a retard. I told her my daughter was too young to have an IQ test and her MRIs showed no brain damage. I also let her know that I always knew Kaia would be in our care for the rest of her life and Ryan and I are willing and fully capable of taking care of her because she is our daughter and we love her unconditionally. I'll stop my story about my response to her here because I'm sure you get the picture. I did not use profanity or raise my voice to her but I let her know exactly who she was dealing with. We have been to that hospital several times since this incident and she was never seen or heard from again.
When you are faced with a situation like that my suggestion would be to research your child's condition and know your facts. That way when some dumbass who thinks they know everything comes in with their unsolicited advice you can walk out making them feel as stupid as they sound. Show them who's boss. That boss is you!
I'm not saying that every person will give you advice because they think they are smarter than you and know everything. Most people are genuinely trying to help you. If that is the case, I would advise you to just listen to what they have to say, nod your head and thank them for their concern. Sometimes it is better to be cool, calm and collected about it than to become hot headed and confrontational. Then you will just look like the crazy parent and you will always be remembered that way.
How do you react to unsolicited advice? How do you know when to give advice? Leave your answers in the comments section. I would love to hear your feedback! Thanks for reading.
